The Unofficial Official Chat Thread

    • Yo so I've kept quiet about this to pretty much everyone but I've been itching to complain about it to an audience so I'm gonna. If you don't like downer posts feel free to not read the rest of this post. Also I'm spoilering it cause I'm confident it'll be really long.
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      A couple weeks ago I was at this pool party. Usually not my scene but we were throwing it for one of my best friends so I was totally down just for him. Anyway I got way fucked up (couple different vodka brands, tried everclear, tasted a few beers, tried some whiskey), somewhere around 6 of the shots probably happened within 10 minutes, and at some point I went from sitting quietly on the corner of the pool making small talk with my closest friends, to conversing with literally everyone who'd listen. Mingling with everyone, swimming. I can't stress how much this shit doesn't happen with me. Someone I'd met before straight up told me they liked me more when I was drunk.

      Anyway at some point I realized I felt no anxiety and was actually saying words out loud to people like a human, and letting myself enjoy the situation. I was genuinely having a great friggin' time. I haven't had a truly great time doing anything in years. Most of my "good times" are when I'm working on something and it's distracting me from my life. In fact everything I "enjoy" for some years has just been distraction.

      But yeah, I noticed I was having fun and suddenly nothing was okay. The realization slammed me like a fucking bus and killed the entire mood. I immediately walked away from the busy area and just broke down by myself. Years of depression, suicidal impulses, anxiety, panic attacks, all being reflected on with, "oh, the only thing to ever make it better will literally kill me if I keep it up." I often get intrusive thoughts and suicidal urges but can usually fight em, at least the important ones. I've also been weighing the pros and cons of suicide for the last 3 years. Anyway this time I was pretty fuggin' committed and at some point I went to grab my gun. But once I had sight of it I had a small thought of "this is gonna ruin my friend's party in some way." I told another friend "hey hide my gun," they thought I meant from the crowd which is good. So he did that, I tried to chill for a bit but just decided to crash cause I just kept getting the urge to go find it (also cause vodka is some shit).

      Anyway I woke up, spent the rest of that vacation week with the besties, trying to act normal. Life has felt very different since then. Before, I often thought "maybe I should kill myself cause this really sucks and I'm confident it can't get better" and would consider, but a night of total personal commitment is a whole different ballpark. I'm trying to live "normally" but every day is an even harsher struggle than before, because now that the decision is 100% made and it's just a waiting game, my previous "just in case I need a long term plan" choices are pointless. I'm a lot more reckless as a person, which is saying something because not totally valuing life before had already made me that way to an extent. But it was more of a "eh, of things go bad, I'll find a way to work with the bare minimum in life." Now it's like "if things go bad, good."

      I don't feel the need to really secure my job, I'm only still there because it's status quo for me. I actually tried taking 4 shots before clocking in just for the fun of it all but I didn't even get a buzz. I almost threw a fit. I used to keep trying to work on hobby projects to convince myself they're worth sticking around for, but now, once again, I only do it because that's what I'm used to. Once the distraction wears and I remember I'm not gonna reach the end of them I shut it off and go back to sitting in my car, trying to remove myself from all environments until I see people walking by very much not wanting to die and suddenly I'm so green with envy and I go back inside and just fall asleep. SLEEP HAPPENS FOR ME NOW. Years of insomnia, 20 hours of sleep a week, and suddenly I can just rage myself into a 10 hour nap every other day of the week.

      I used to have days where I felt "numb" and hated it later, but holy shit that beats whatever this is. I've just been in this state of "do what you always do because if you don't you will literally die and inconvenience someone's day." It's this weird ass conflict where I really really wanna not be alive and constantly think of and consider ways to make that happen, but I know it'll have some negative impact on someone's day in some way and it feels like "I can't die here that's rude". I'm entirely alive cause I don't wanna make someone have to clean it up or say they found a dead guy or whatever. Hourglass on when that thought doesn't bother me much. I was gonna sell my guns as a safety measure at first but decided I actually wanna hold onto that option. I don't like messy but easy is hard to resist, y'know.

      Atop that all, I'm not totally confident I'll make it to 21 (and it's close, that's exciting) but fuck, immediate access to fuck tons of liquor will 100% be the finish line, so that's a fun thought. I like to entertain the idea that one night I'll drink so much that I'll not only go through with clocking out without a second thought but I'll be so out of my mind that how I do it doesn't even matter to me like it does now. I like to think I'll try to be creative with it. Not even gonna lie I gave a bomb DSLR and there's a good chance I'll record it, but only if I make it interesting. Not just like "watch this guy shoot himself" cause that's not really a fun watch, but "this guy is gonna try to Ollie over 3 cars on the freeway"or some other fun idea.

      So yeah, every day is just "kill yourself... okay let's do it... no wait, this person might be bothered"
      I don't wanna force my boss to find a replacement. Especially considering I fucking CARRY my department, you have no idea. I started talking to someone who's also suicidal. She's a good person, but maybe she'd follow suit if I did. No bueno, world needs her. Mod teams I'm on would need a replacement. The list goes on. Just waiting on the day I feel a bit more selfish, or I don't have that moment of consideration. And now that I think of it I'm not sure why I'm posting about this HERE of all places. That's probably a bit mean. I guess though if I become inactive you guys know why. I did bring this up to one person and they immediately started guilt tripping me for being selfish. You can imagine the "THINK OF ME THINK OF YOUR FAMILY" speech so maybe I'm just looking to vent to people who won't make matters worse.


      In the mean time, working on skills and hoping they make me feel like it's worth it. I've been making a lot of music bits lately. Someone else seems to want to write music with me, too since she's always wanted to but never had a partner for it. Vocal lessons are going... they're just going. Screams are getting better. Guitar isn't really improving but I'm writing more varied stuff. I've also been trying to start drawing again. Anything in hopes of a breakthrough, skill development is the only thing that's ever made me feel like more time is a good thing.

      Haha, whoa that's so much longer than I'd expected, soz
      And so ends another post of pointless speculation.

      "120% sorry!"
    • Crypt wrote:


      Haha, whoa that's so much longer than I'd expected, soz
      Don't ever apologise for having a healthy vent/mind dump. :)

      Look. I'm shittastic when it comes to actually putting words in any sort of coherent format half the time, so I'll just say it very barebones - I like having you around. Just knowing you exist here, seeing your posts, interacting with you even on a super infrequent basis. I just like seeing you around and it'd be a shame if we weren't able to anymore. Sorry if that in any way came off guilt-trippy, it's not my intention. I just like having you as an acquaintance and think you're a good guy, and I'm really genuinely sorry that you're having troubles right now and feeling the way you do.

      Not sure what else to say. I'm getting help in the near future and looking to change the way I think and feel about myself and the world. I hope you can do the same, and if not then somehow find a way to find some happiness or light that is better than the current situation.

      Stay strong bud. I don't know you too well but if you ever need someone to talk to you can hit me up on here and I'll send you my skype/discord details if need be.
    • @Crypt find help. Professional help if you feel your personal circle of friends isn't enough. You're on a real slippery slope at the moment. I'm not a psychologist, but the shit you're talking about makes me genuinely fear for your well-being. The internet isn't the best way to seek help, and its better than nothing, but I seriously think you should seek more personable help than text on a screen. With the shitstorm with Fnork just in the past few months, I care too. We may disagree on shit half the time, but you're an enjoyable nerd to talk to imo.

      I'm glad you're at least self-aware enough to realize this is a problem, and you're attempting to make an effort to do new things to pull yourself out of your hole. If you want, pm me and I'll give you my personal cell number if you need someone to walk you through this.
    • @Crypt I'm going to be totally upfront with you on this - Despite the fact that we have never physically met or been in the same country, I count you as one of my best friends. On top of that I look up to your work as a goal - you're a better mapper and artist than I am.
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      And shit, I've been there. I didn't have access to a gun at the time so I'm still around but there was a time when that was the only thing stopping me. Hell, the first time I tried to kill myself I wasn't even old enough to understand the methodology required for it. I thought falling from a short distance multiple times would eventually stack into the same damage as a fall from a long one. That was like, a decade or more ago. Overall, I did not have a happy childhood. And I still have days when I wake up, or just sit down halfway through the day and wonder "Why even bother?"

      You know the phrase "fake it till you make it?" That's basically all you can do. Keep on living until life hands you a reason to besides "It'll be inconvenient". And it will, eventually, as long as you don't give up. That or you'll come up with one yourself. After one really bad night, I just took a walk, found an empty lot, and sat down and did inventory. And I thought to myself, 'it feels like the entire universe is out to get me. Everything's going wrong and it feels designed that way, like someone out there wants me dead. Well fuck it, if they want me dead they can do their own dirty work - I ain't gonna do it for them.'

      So yeah, I'm kinda alive entirely out of spite. Maybe not the most healthy thing to do, but it's healthier than being dead.

      So just keep on. One way or another, you'll find a reason, a good reason, to live. I know it can seem hopeless, believe me I do. But as long as you hold out it'll happen.
      Life is fucking hard, but it just... takes practice. Same as anything else. And anyone who seems like they have their shit together probably doesn't. Posts on facebook, small talk with friends, it's all the good bits picked out, most of the bad bits left behind.
      Anyone who tells you they're 100% fine is either lying to reassure themselves or hasn't realized something's off yet.


      I put a bit of incoherent rambling in spoiler tags - I hope it helps but it probably makes no sense because like with everything else in life I'm just kinda winging it and pretending I know what I'm doing.

      Just know you're not alone, things will eventually get better, and I love you <3

      The Javid wrote:

      I can't wait til we ditch that pattern too. It only blends in with gravel and shitty couches.
    • No friends?

      Preposterous.

      You have numerous idiots to hang out with right here.(including me)

      On Valve's "Artifact" announcement:

      What the shit?!?
      Is this how Gabe expects for fans to understand that HL is gone for good?

      Apsurd.

      Might as well make a giant middle finger as the logo and make the title say "Up yours!".
      "The Journey Is the Destination."
      Deepak Chopra

    • New

      Today in "Disappointing My Family", I told my mum that I want to drop out of university, because it's never something I wanted to do.

      And if I do it by next week, I don't have to pay for the semester.


      Crypt wrote:

      Why are you now friendless
      Because they were kind of assholes and generally shitty people.


      Oh and I got a haircut for the first time in 2 years. I told no one in my family. This will be interesting.

      The post was edited 1 time, last by Kamikal ().

    • New

      There's already been numerous attempts at that, I'm certain there's more to come, and I know of two or three unannounced/mostly unannounced ones. So it's not really a matter of when we'll see that happen, just when someone competent actually finishes one. Modding is hard. It takes a lot of time and it's hard to do if you're not absolutely committed, and even then it's still a bunch of work.

      TheeGoatPig wrote:

      I need to choose a national bank to move my money into so that I can access it at any point in my move south.

      Did you manage to pick one? Also curious, how come you weren't with a national bank to begin with?

      Kamikal wrote:

      Today in "Disappointing My Family"

      Did they actually react badly or are you just worried about it? Personally I don't really blame you since that's some expensive shit to go along with when you really don't want to.
      Happy with the haircut? That's the important opinion there
      And so ends another post of pointless speculation.

      "120% sorry!"
    • New

      Kamikal wrote:

      Today in "Disappointing My Family", I told my mum that I want to drop out of university, because it's never something I wanted to do.

      And if I do it by next week, I don't have to pay for the semester.


      Crypt wrote:

      Why are you now friendless
      Because they were kind of assholes and generally shitty people.

      Oh and I got a haircut for the first time in 2 years. I told no one in my family. This will be interesting.

      having seen the prices of university, and how little most help with ones chances it is generally a better option now days to just not go.



      haircuts. ah the fun of when some one you have known for a while doesn't even notice unless you go from long to short or short to long... some how.