I’m playing a classic game I’ve never finished before, but in lieu of just posting the name, see how long it takes you to figure out what it is from reading this travelog delivered by myself from the main character’s point of view:
I’ve been working for this boss. He’s very kind. Eccentric fellow, loves child labor, tells us never to leave the premises or we’ll probably die, but he seems nice. However, he called me into his office today and said he needs me to work outside my contract. Apparently he’s very sick and needs immediate medical attention. I go get the necessary implements from my fellow child workers and set about curing his illness. However, by the time I was finished, he was due to pass on. Before he passed away, he told me to be the only worker to leave the area in years, to deliver a prized possession to the daughter of the local regent.
Immediately I see why he told me not to leave the work site. I’m not quite sure what is wrong with the world, but the sun and moon cycle seems to last minutes instead of hours, and the world gets… irritable when the moon is out. So I make like Sonic and roll my way into town.
The local security for the regent didn’t want to make things easy for me, even though my boss was at least somewhat known in town. Out of options, I decided to get past them in a more subtle way. (I would have preferred under the cover of darkness, but the planet’s ridiculous turn rate isn’t going to allow a full night to infiltrate the place.)
Finally meet the regent’s daughter, and she’s giving me a new job. I’m fine with this new gig- lots of travel, something I’ve never gotten to do. But I have to basically cheat other important people out of their prized possessions as well. (I say cheat here because I’m not paying for these things, but the client needs them urgently. I’m a bit annoyed- if she’s such an important person, can’t she just send her own envoys? Why the hell does she need child labor to do what her army probably could?) Regardless, I take the job, being out of other things to do and making no headway with my job application at the nearby ranch.
I was first tasked with visiting a village up a nearby mountain. On my way up, I passed through a town at the foot of the mountain. At first, I thought I’d reached my destination, but nobody in town seemed to know anything about what I was there to find. I also found a gravesite of the regent’s family, and somehow accidentally blew it up. I did learn some sweet new tunes though- seems like the royal family places a very solid emphasis on the arts. Perhaps the regents aren’t such horrible people after all.
However, actually climbing the mountain, a very appropriately named one, was a daunting task. I should get hazard pay for all of this debris and heat. They said a mountain, not a bloody active volcano! How does anyone LIVE up here?!?
I shortly have my answer, as the people I meet aren’t people at all, but a race of mountain trolls. However, I do very much like them, as they are the only people that realize how important rolling is to get anyplace expediently, and have incorporated it into their daily exercise routine.
Their local village elder was a bit of a sourpuss, but I played some of my favorite songs for him and that seemed to lift his spirits just enough to give me a task to earn his prized trinket- to investigate a nearby rock mine that the trolls use for food. It was apparently sealed up by some asshole from the desert that had come looking for the very same trinket I was tasked with finding. I got a bit of a chill down my spine- had I been caught up in some intra-kingdom contest to rob the lesser fiefdoms of their riches?
Regardless, I made my way inside and OH GOD I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT. Monsters EVERYWHERE, lava in every which place, and strange ancient mechanisms designed to work with blocks several times my size! I honestly wonder what sort of crazy person would willingly enter this line of work, particularly one my age. But I’m a former child laborer and my late boss was a sentient tree. I suppose anything is possible.
I finally managed to clean out the cave of infestation. I suppose that’s my true profession now: pest control.
I manage to score the bauble that the princess so urgently desires, and I’m pointed in the direction of the local water aquifer. I certainly need to cool down after tromping about under an active volcano’s debris field, so I begrudgingly head down the mountain. Thankfully a massive talking owl offered to give me a lift, which I gratefully accepted.
The access to the aquifer was blocked by some rockfall, possibly from the mountain, but in my previous gig I had happened across some mining explosives which made short work of the obstructions in my path. Pest control, via explosives! Ah, what a multi-talented laborer I’ve become!
For some reason, the access to the actual city was musically controlled. I had to play a song taught to me by my client just to gain access to the place. I really must wonder- why is music so important in these places? I suppose it’s not unlike the drummers that accompany armies- to signal intent, as it were. Perhaps there’s logic I’m not seeing.
Once again, I’m introduced to a species I am unfamiliar with- a gelatinous people that have no issue breathing underwater and plenty of local fish to feed upon. It must be quite nice to just sit around and not work for a living, and the local leader must agree with this sentiment- he looks like he weighs a ton, and it took him what felt like five hours to get out of my way to allow me access to my latest pest control job.
Apparently his daughter had pulled a Pinocchio and disappeared inside the tribe’s patron diety during a routine feeding. I honestly wasn’t expecting to find her alive, considering that such a massive monster would probably have an exceptionally destructive digestive tract. However, lo and behold, she was indeed inside! And she was around my age!
However, my initial slight attraction quickly turned to annoyance as this girl steadfastly refused to be useful or even remotely polite about my attempts at rescue. She had such complete faith in her patron diety that she refused to believe it ate her on purpose, or that she was in any real danger despite the massive infestation of parasites inside.
However, she proved to be something of an asset, as I quickly learned that my traditional methods of pest control were not going to work well. Many of the monsters featured bio-electric currents running through them, which I quickly found out the hard way through contact with my scalpel. Instead, out of sheer annoyance with her, I found that throwing her at things was actually a surprisingly adept method at curing the infestation.
After finding some other equipment randomly discarded inside the diety, and being briefly separated from my rescue target, I managed to clean out the pestilence and be done with it. The young girl, now finally understanding of the favor I’d done for her, handed over the last bauble while swearing up and down that we’d marry someday. I really hope we don’t. She’s bloody annoying.
With all of the baubles and tons of gear in tow, I head back to my client to give her what she sought, but the castle bridge was shut! I waited around for a bit trying to think of what to do when it suddenly opened, revealing my client being whisked away by a ninja on a horse. She threw something at me and it landed in the moat, but before I could go to see it, a massive man on a horse showed up. He was built like a fortress, with a big red beard and a chilling look in his eye. Without a second thought he smacked me down with a magic fireball and took off after my client leaving me bruised and broken with absolutely no payment. Bloody hell, these royals. Think they can just take off and not pay their labor costs. What the hell is this, an ocarina?
AN OCARINA IS NOT PAYMENT FOR SERVICES RENDERED, PRINCESS!